“Never allow loneliness to drive you into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with.”
I don’t know if this is just me but I always feel rushed when I’m paying at the cashier. Something about keeping the line waiting and drawing attention. I dislike being in the spot light, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Whenever I pay I try my best to act fast. I keep 20’s so I can just hand it over and they do the math. Eventhough I always have the exact amount right there. And once they give me my change I just grab and stuff it all in my pocket. I don’t even separate the receipt from the actual cash itself. Or count how much they’ve given me.
I don’t know why, but I just always feel rushed while paying.
When I was back in AIT my battle buddy bought the season dvd to ‘The Nanny’, an old sitcom tv show. She went on and on about how much she really enjoyed this show, so I gave it a try. We had our own little marathon. Just me and her.
After watching about three episodes I told her that I really liked the show. BUT truth was..I didn’t. I mean it was alright. But not my top 10.
Anyway its been more then a year since we graduated training. And I haven’t seen her since. I miss her everyday. About a month ago I got a care package from her and it had the exact season dvd of The Nanny that she bought and we watched together. She told me since I loved it so much she wanted me to have it.
Truth was I never told her that I didn’t like it as much as I claimed. I mean the only reason why I did enjoy it was the fact that I got to spend some quality time with my battle buddy. I liked chilling inside doing nothing but hanging out with her watching an odd show.
And just having this..reminds me of those simple times.
I miss her.
Dear Queer Young Girl, I see you. You don’t want them to see you, so you changed the pronouns in your love poems to ‘him’ instead of ‘her’.
Dear Straight People, You make young poets make bad edits.”
For the past few days I’ve been thinking long and hard about my future. Career wise. Having the opportunity to be on this deployment I told myself in the beginning I was going to come up with a plan. Ever since last year I’ve been lost and continuously asked myself questions that I thought would be answered by now. I know its completely normal for someone at my age to not know what they want to pursue as a life time career choice. But I at least want something. Some type of road. I understand that journeys take numerous of wrong turns in order to get to that final destination. But I feel like I’m not even moving. I don’t want to waste years and years debating, trying to decide what I want to do.
Right now, I think I want to do something in a creative sense. I figured out I’m not cut out as ordered daily desk work. I get dizzy and light headed if I spend hours staring at documents. If any desk type work, I want to create or design something. Only downfall I feel like I’m not at all that creative.
But I like the idea of turning nothing into something. Surprising or impressing people with an idea that was once private in my own mind. I like that feeling of frustration because you have it…but you can’t really locate it. That the thought or idea, image, you’ve been searching for is almost ‘there’. The tip of your fingers, just need to think harder. And once you have it..and apply it…its like gold. I like showing people my hard work. Even if its just for a few minutes of joy. That few minutes I reply in my mind and it gives me such warmth of…accomplishment. Like reliving your favorite memory.
But again what career will give me such happiness? One that I can actually do and be great at?
Hmmm…we’ll see. Its just more searching I guess.
Today marks my 2 years of being in the US Army
Exactly 2 years ago I was in MEPS at San Diego, CA. I remember being in front of a DoD (department of defense) contract worker, looking over my paperwork. Scanning my finger, initialing, signing, last 4… almost every single page.
I remember waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
And then being called to swear in.
I was in front. As I repeated every word, I thought about the journey I’m about to face. And the possibility of being deployed.
Who knew it was after my first year it actually happened.
I don’t regret the choice I made 2 years ago, even with the bad days and hard times. My reasons for joining suddenly changed, or well evolved into more reasons to keep my chin up and push forward.
I have been a Soldier for 2 years now. I’ve been in a battle field for almost 8 months.
I still have a fight I need to finish. And still have a term to continue.
I am honored to say I’m serving my country. I’m proud to wear the uniform. And grateful to be apart of a long lined history of brave men and women who once stood in my boots.
2 years have pasted, and now I have 4 more to go.
Happy Anniversary to me and the United States Army.
One thing I can’t wait to do once I get home, is hug my family and friends. To just feel the warmth of their body, having the scents of love and comfort that missed over these past 9-10 months. Actually feeling them, knowing that they’re physically with me. That its not some dream. Its real. We are no longer miles and oceans away from each other. I get to squeeze them, giving me that extra boost of realization.
Man…I can’t wait for the hugs.
I feel like I’m losing my voice of word. I can’t seem to write how I use to. To find and put words together in order to let feelings out. I’m not sure if its cause, I don’t know what more to say and I’m at the ultimate brain fart. Where I’m just stuck clueless on how to even begin my mind release. Too just let go and type down anything that’s floating around in my mind. Talk about the most randomest things. I can’t seem to do it like I use to. Or maybe its cause since I don’t write as much. Maybe that’s what causes a simple blog to be as tough as writing a mid term paper.
“Fear is what holds you back. Fear is what holds me back. So all I have to do is say ‘Fuck the Fear, I’m doing it.’ and I did it. And I can do it again.”
Random life lesson…
When shes worth it…fuckin do something about it. And be direct.